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You are always getting cornered by guys. The last time we hung out, some guy...– My friend Nicole
So Much Crazy, So Little Time
This one's long, but stick with it. I promise, it's worth it.
This Saturday, my friend invited me to a crazy loft party next to her apartment. This thing was seriously insane. The host's apartment, which he lives in everyday, literally has upside down umbrellas hanging from the enormous ceiling and a runway in the living room...like all time...it's just always there.
Anyways, I was in my usual uniform of too bright, too tight, too short mini dress and heels that make me look like a WNBA player. One of the security team (yes, this random house party had a freaking security team of about 10 enormous black dudes that reminded me of Refrigerator from the 80s Bears) kept checking me out and making little comments here and there.
To leave the party, you had to go down this dark little hallway at the end of a dark little stairway. Guess who was manning the exit? Well, duh, that frisky bouncer.
As I'm walking towards the door, he closes it and says that I have to give him my number if I want to leave. Not in a "haha" way. He literally was blocking me into a corner while he would let other people leave. Suddenly, I realize, "Oh crap. I've just gotten myself into a bad situation." I give him my number, he opens the door and I literally run out into the street and into a cab.
He immediately starts calling me and texting me. I hang up when he calls and the only texts I send him are to tell him that I'm not interested. I usually don't give out names, but this dude is NUTS. Here is how that went:
Bouncer: E'mann COMICHI (gives me his "text line", "talk line" and yahoo e-mail address) Lock me in.
E'mann: Why did you hang up on me?
Me: Because I see right through your game.
E'mann: It's not like that!!!
Me: What. Ev. Er.
E'mann: You're game conscious because of what you've been subjected to.
Me: Eye roll.
E'mann: You are something else, but I'm up for the challenge.
E'mann: How do you spell you're name?
Me: How do you think?
E'mann: Hello this morning. I hope you slept well.
E'mann: What was the purpose of giving me your number if you don't want to talk to me?
E'mann: That seems puerile.
E'mann: CLEARLY you've been subjected to sooooo much bullshit that you deem it necessary to Hate All Men!!!
E'mann: That's crazy! I'm not soliciting you for anything!
E'mann: I saw you, found you attractive, LOVE your height..., and now I'm the bad guy??? WOW!
E'mann: You appear to be the one playing a game!
E'mann: I didn't approach you in a negative way.
E'mann: Maybe you should be a recluse, or carry a sign that reads "Men stay the fuck away!"
Me: Wow. That was filled with charm. Thank you, Dude-Who-Doesn't-Even-Know-My-Name
E'mann: BECAUSE I'VE BEEN going back and forth with you and you're giving me such crap for TRYING TO GET TO KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!
E'mann: Give me a pass UNTIL I appear to discredit myself.
E'mann: You will see I'm NOT ABOUT BULLSHIT
E'mann: I'm starting anew: I'm E'mann: And you are?
(2 hours later...)
(2 hours later...I'm at Studio Paris telling my friends about this crazy bouncer from the party last night, when one of them says "Omg, Becky met some psycho last night too. He's been calling/texting her, found her on FB/Twitter and g-chat, and has been saying that he also does security for some pop star and wants to take her to his house in LA. What's his name?" Well...guess what...)
Me: Oh...so...I hear you've been talking to my friend Becky...how's that for game
E'mann: THAT'S NOT GAME. I MET BECKY JUST LIKE I MET YOU.
E'mann: I never tried to say I'm looking for a monogamous, romantic relationship. I told her she's a tall, gorgeous, sexy woman, and so are you! That doesn't mean that's game.
E'mann: I meet people ALL the time. I don't have sex with ALL of the women I meet.
E'mann: You never asked me did I meet other girls at the party and you have no right to. For all I know we could all be good friends.
E'mann: She told me she just got out of a relationship and I explained to her I can't afford a relationship because I'm super busy, but that I like to kick it with women doing fun things.
Me: You must have an unlimited text plan and supply of penicillin. (I'm particularly proud of this one, lol.)
E'mann: You act as though I have sex, or even want to, with EVERY WOMAN I meet.
E'mann: I really would LOVE to hear your story of who drove a stake through your heart.
(In between, he's called Becky and yelled at her for telling me, as well as, being all "what's your friends problem." AND leaving me some yell-y voicemail that I just deleted without listening to.)
E'mann: I guess that's a no. Anna (obvi Becky slipped my name...but it's still spelled incorrectly) dislike someone for what they've done to you, not for what someone else has done to you.
E'mann: Hello this morning Ms. Diva!!!
To Make Out Or Not To Make Out
Friend: Let's find you someone to make out with.
Me: Meh. I don't want to make out.
Me: That's not even true. I don't think there is ever a time where I think "gee, I'm so glad I'm not making out right now."